When I was a new bride, I worked with the sweetest funny lady ( who was about the age I am now). She had been married for a long time and was very happy . However, she did get upset with her husband from time to time. She shared some “antics”that she did to help keep her from killing him. She didn’t do anything dangerous and most of it wasn’t too painful! She told me once she waited until the devoted husband was sound asleep and she popped a couple of pieces of Hubba Bubba in her mouth and chewed until it was nice and gooey. Guess what she did next? Lifted up his arm and put that big ol’ bubble gum right in his armpit, returning arm to resting position. This would make sure the heat from his body would give the gooey mess plenty of time to coat each and every arm-pit hair follicle!
Now, I’ve been married for over 20 years and I totally understand how she felt. It is frowned on to whollop your husband. So we all have to find their Achilles Heel. My hubs happens to be completely repulsed by the smell of boiled eggs and also the smell of canned tuna fish. Being the loving wife that I am, if he does something that makes my head spin, I just whip out the old tuna fish can, and start boiling some eggs. Once said eggs are cooked, I chop them up while they are hot, and walk around the house holding the cutting board. This allows the “perfume” of the eggs to waft throughout the house. After the promenade around the house is complete, I leave the chopped eggs in the kitchen to cool down. Meanwhile, I open the large can of tuna fish. I drain the “juice” into a bowl…not down the sink…you see where I’m going? The tuna fish goes into the mixing bowl with a dollop or two of mayo, a squeeze of yellow mustard, a little minced onion, some salt and pepper, and reserved and cooled chopped eggs. As long as the mixture is out and fresh, I enjoy a tuna fish sandwich on soft white bread as I savor the anticipated look of my darling husband when her walks into the kitchen. Meanwhile the bowl of tuna juice rests on the counter for additional perfumery!
I am generally able to time all this to coincide with when the loving husband arrives home. I must admit that there is just not much better to me than seeing his face when he walks in. I make myself feel better knowing I’ve never put bubble gum under his arm. Now I can feel better that I’ve never pulled all his teeth. Do I live on an island? Have you ever wanted to throttle your husband, only to make do with something just a little bit funnier and less violent?